I am lately bothered

That has always been my favorite line from Ode to Billy Joe. It just seems to express so well that feeling of vague discontent that so often troubles me.

But lately I have put my finger on something specific that changes my mood from serene and peaceful to anxious and resentful. It was another insight gained during meditation after yoga, although in quite a different way.

Simon has a lot of difficulty in concentrating, especially when there are external noises, and there are a lot of those in our apartment. Not only do we live essentially on a freeway (no one drives less than 50 mph on our street, and it's a major thoroughfare for emergency vehicles), but the sound dynamics of the shape of the building bounce the echoes of voices in the pool area right into our dining room, even when the crappy louvered windows are closed. So meditation is a real challenge for Simon.

One evening, the time I was deep in a sort of yogic trance contemplating the dual nature of the universe, Simon got frustrated at the noise outside. He slammed the yoga book closed and stood up angrily. My mood immediately changed to fear and anger. I knew that he wasn't angry at me, and yet I was angry at him for being angry, and I couldn't figure out why.

After several days of digging around in myself, I finally realized that my automatic thought at the time was "Why is he doing this to me?" The key words, of course, are "to me." It must be a remnant of my unrealistic core belief that I am the center of the universe, and that everyone else is thinking about me all the time, or, if they are not, they should be.

Ironically enough, I think it is the exact same automatic thought that prevents Simon from successfully meditating. Not that I presume to understand his core beliefs, but I recognize the same symptom: "Why are those idiots driving by so fast? Why does the neighbor downstairs play his video game so loud that our whole floor shakes? Why are there people laughing and having a good time by the pool when I'm trying to meditate? They are all doing it to me!"

I'm able to accept that the people driving by and the neighbors are not trying to bother me, but it's a lot harder when it's someone in the same room with me. It's a challenge to accept and believe that Simon is not being angry to me; he's just being angry, and that's okay. It doesn't need to affect my mood at all. Maybe if I repeat that a million times I will start to internalize it.

Just for today, I will remember that other people's emotions don't happen to me. They just happen.